


Healing

by Twyd



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Crushes, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Dogs, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friendship, Growing Up, Guilt, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Humor, Illnesses, M/M, Pets, Recovery, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-19 03:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13114833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twyd/pseuds/Twyd
Summary: "When his fears are confirmed, Shizuo stays home and hides from the world as much as he can."





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry about the title. I will update it when my brain starts working again.

When his fears are confirmed, Shizuo stays home and hides from the world as much as he can. This is for practical reasons as well as personal ones. Practically, he can’t throw things anymore, let alone chase people like Izaya-kun all over the city. And on the personal side, well…he just wants a rest.

He’s probably smoking too much, probably eating too many sweets, just to kill time. He wants to be alone, but that doesn’t mean he’s not lonely. He hasn’t told anyone except Tom, not even Kasuka, not yet. Kasuka is on one of his biggest movie shoots yet, and Shizuo doesn’t want to stress him out. He hasn’t seen Celty in a while simply because he hadn’t been outside enough. He’d told Tom only because he needed the time off work once the operation was confirmed.

The few times he had to go out – for food, for example - he’d avoided Izaya like the plague. Whenever he can kind of sense the flea is nearby – and he always can, whether it’s by scent or just pure instinct – he backs off. He just hasn’t got it in him.

Another afternoon in the house, flicking through day time TV and making a shopping list for stuff he probably won’t need, he gets a call from the informant himself. Shizuo pauses, but answers it anyway for something to do.

“Are you dead?” the flea demands.

Shizuo sighs, twitching with the familiar need for a cigarette.

“Yeah, flea, I’m dead. Happy?”

“I knew it,” he says. Shizuo sees him in his mind's eye, feet up on his fancy desk and smirking. Is he that desperate to make Shizuo miserable that he'd resort to phonecalls? “How did it happen?”

“A trashcan flew out of nowhere and hit me.”

“Brilliant. Poetic justice.”

“Yep.”

“What’s really going on?” He sounds irritated now. “I thought you were just on holiday, but apparently you’ve been at work.”

“Nothing’s going on.”

“Then where have you been? _Did_ a trashcan hit you? Although I don’t see it hurting you if it did.”

“It’s none of your business, flea,” he says, and he doesn’t even have the energy to get worked up. “What do you care? Aren’t you glad I’m not around?”

“It’s making me nervous.”

Shizuo snorts, though he’s secretly surprised. He didn’t think Izaya got nervous. Then again, it’s probably just his twisted attempt at humour.

“I’m not doing anything,” Shizuo tells him. “Leave me alone.”

 -

The sun is brilliant the next day, the sky so bright and blue it doesn’t look real. Shizuo has to make the most of it while he can. He goes to the park, a quiet spot away from where he usually meets Celty. Lies on the grass and closes his eyes, smelling the flowers and listening to birds. Bliss.

“Is it cancer?”

Shizuo grits his teeth without opening his eyes. He can sense Izaya perched a few feet away, watching him as quietly as a cat. Shizuo starts feeling automatically for a cigarette.

“That’s a sick thing to joke about.”

“I’m not joking. I’m asking.”

Shizuo opens his eyes, and the informant looks completely serious. He shrugs.

“Do I look sick?”

“No. You look sad.”

Shizuo shifts uncomfortably.

“I don’t have cancer.”

“What is it, then?”

“It’s none of your business.”

Izaya shifts then. He may just be getting comfortable on the grass, but Shizuo doesn’t want to take the chance: he snatches Izaya’s wrist, his dominant wrist, and holds on hard enough to hurt. Izaya gives a little grunt of surprise and pain, but he doesn’t go for his knife with his free hand.

“What do you want, Izaya-kun,” Shizuo says slowly. He is still lying on his back, the arm holding Izaya the only part of him that’s tense, trying to breathe normally. He needs to keep his blood pressure down. “I’m not doing anything to you. Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“You fucking animal,” Izaya snaps, grimacing in pain. He tries to twist out of Shizuo's grip. “Just tell me. I’ll find out anyway.”

“Then find out.”

Izaya glares at him.

“Let go.”

“Leave me alone.”

“I can’t leave you alone if you don’t let go, idiot. And anyway, you can’t do much to me if you’re sick.”

“I can break your wrist.”

Izaya just keeps glaring as if daring him to do it, and Shizuo’s almost tempted. He sighs instead and lets go. He lights the cigarette he’d been itching for and takes a deep drag, watching Izaya massage his wrist.

“I’m leaving Ikebukuro,” Shizuo tells him. “OK? So just let me go in peace, would you?”

Izaya’s eyes widen. He forgets about his wrist.

“For how long?”

“A year. Maybe a bit less.”

“For an operation?”

“Man, you _are_ sharp. Yeah, for an operation.”

“Why?”

Shizuo just smokes and doesn’t say anything.

“I won’t tell anyone.”

Shizuo inhales, considering. He doesn’t know why. Maybe the strain is starting to get to him.

“It’s heart surgery,” he says. “I’ve picked up and thrown too many heavy things. My heart isn’t in a good state.”

“But you’re only in your twenties.”

“Yeah, and apparently I have the heart of a retiring wrestler.”

Izaya takes a minute to process this. He looks like he's trying to choose between a poker-face or forcing a laugh, and in the end manages neither.

“Does Shinra know?”

“Shinra actually warned me to start taking it easy a while ago. But no, he doesn’t know. He would have told Celty and I don’t want people I knowing, not yet.”

“Then how did you find out if you didn’t go to Shinra?”

“I've been getting out of breath more easily and having pains. One night I had a pain that was so bad and wouldn’t go, so my brother called an ambulance. They did a lot of tests and they said I needed surgery."

Izaya says nothing.

"Normally you go on a waiting list for years, but they had mine booked in three months, because apparently it’s pretty critical.”

Izaya is staring at him.

Shizuo shrugs.

“If you really want me dead, flea, all you have to do these days is jump out on me and shout ‘boo’.”

He ignores this.

“Why are you still working?”

“I’m not. I told Tom yesterday.”

Izaya is still frowning.

“How long have you known something was up?”

“I started feeling weird a few months ago.” He shrugs. “But I kept putting it off. Does it matter?”

 “Why are you leaving for a year?”

“I want to be somewhere more relaxing. It’s months of recovery, months of physiotherapy, then months of more recovery, and even then I won’t ever be quite right. And that’s assuming it all goes well."

_Why am I telling him this._

“What do you mean?”

“I had to sign this form yesterday. It’s like, .5% chance of death, 1% chance of paralysis, 2% chance of being on medication for the rest of my life, and it just goes on and on.”

“So what are the odds that it'll actually be all right?”

“90%.”

“Oh,” he says. “That’s not too bad.”

“Yeah. Can’t complain.” He wonders why Izaya isn’t laughing at him. He picks up a handful of grass he’d been plucking and throws it in Izaya’s face, making him blink, as he gets up to go. “Bye, flea.”

“Wait."

Shizuo waits. He sees the look on his face.

“Don’t feel bad, Izaya-kun,” he says. “I’ve been throwing things long before I met you.”

Izaya opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.

“And don’t tell anyone.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

 -

Izaya calls round that night. Shizuo should have seen it coming. He rolls his eyes, but secretly he's glad for the distraction: he’s going out of his mind with nerves. This time tomorrow he'll be in a hospital bed. This time in 48 hours, his chest will be open.

“It’s probably the smoking, you know,” Izaya tells him, before he’s even inside. “You should stop smoking.”

“Did you come over just to tell me that? It’s nothing to do with smoking.”

Izaya ignores this.

“And all the ice-cream. You should eat more healthily.”

“I’m not eating a salad on my last night at home.”

His eyes widen.

“Tonight’s your last night?”

“Duh.” He lets Izaya in and gestures to his suitcases against the wall.

“So the operation’s _tomorrow_?”

“The day after. I have to go in the day before for prep.”

“Why are you by yourself?”

Shizuo shrugs.

“Make it more normal. Kasuka’ll be with me tomorrow.”

Izaya sits on the couch and doesn't say anything for a moment.

“Shinra will be mad he didn’t get the chance to cut you open.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s probably 90% odds for normal people,” Izaya offers. “Yours will most likely be 99.9%, or something.”

“Yeah,” Shizuo says. “Or they won’t be able to cut me open at all, and they’ll just write me off.” Izaya doesn’t laugh. “Then you’ll have to find some other brute to chase you all over town.”

Izaya kisses him hard enough to knock him back into the couch, hard like he does everything, the cold of his rings against Shizuo’s cheek and ear.

“I-za-ya,” Shizuo breathes. “Are you trying to kill me? I’m not supposed to get my heart rate up.”

Izaya moves back so fast he almost falls off the couch.

“Sorry.”

Shizuo sees the look on his face and bursts out laughing, making Izaya scowl.

 “Shut _up_ , Shizu-chan. Hysterical laughter counts as getting your heart rate up.”

“You’re unbelievable. Are you actually concerned?”

“No,” he snaps. “I just don’t want to get the blame if something actually happens to you.” He is getting red in the face.

Shizuo pulls the informant back into his lap. With everything that’s been happening, it’s been a while since he got aroused, and it’s surprising how easily it comes now.

Izaya however doesn’t want to play ball, and turns his head away.

“You said you can’t get your heart-rate up.”

“Yeah, but this is my last chance to do this for a good while.” He says, nuzzling the informant’s hair. 

“Don’t be stupid, Shizu-chan. It could kill you.”

“It won’t kill me. I’ve been throwing things and going to work for the past few months.”

“Yes, and look at the state it’s got you in. We can’t-"

Shizuo kisses him again to try and shut him up.

“We can’t have sex,” Izaya finishes, though he trembles in Shizuo’s arms as he says it. “It’s too much strain.”

“Well, do _something,_ flea. You can’t just come here and- “

Izaya puts his hand between Shizuo’s legs and starts undoing his pants.

“Ah – yes, OK, that.”

“It has to be quick though in case you can’t handle it.”

“You’re a hell of a first date, Izaya-kun.”

“Shut the fuck up, Shizu-chan.”

And with that, he drops to his knees and takes Shizuo’s cock into his mouth.

“Oh, _God_.”

Izaya tilts his head slightly to look up at him, and Shizuo bites his lip to force himself quiet, thinking Izaya will stop if he thinks he’s getting too excited.It's hard, though. He can't believe Izaya of all people could feel this good.

As it’s been a while, he doesn’t last long, and lets his eyes close and his head fall back as he comes. 

“Shizuo?”

Shizuo hears the waver in his voice and stays as still as he can. Until he can’t help it anymore, and begins to twitch with laughter.

“Oh, you fucking _bastard_ ,” Izaya says, and punches him in the leg, surprisingly hard, considering Shizuo doesn’t normally feel it when people punch him.

“Ow.” He rubs his thigh. “What the fuck. Never had you down as a puncher, flea.”

“You’re weaker because you’re ill. And that wasn’t funny, Shizu-chan.”

“It was a little.”

He picks Izaya up from between his legs and draws him on to his lap again.

“Thanks for that, Izaya-kun. It’s a nice way to say goodbye, after years of bullshit from you.”

“Don’t give me that, this is all your own fault. You shouldn’t have…”

He trails off, distracted, as Shizuo’s hand presses between his legs.

“Shouldn’t have what?”

“Shouldn’t have…ah, thrown so many things.”

“You should be a doctor, Izaya-kun.”

Izaya grabs his hand to stop it moving, unamused.

“We can’t do this.”

“Look, if you go, I’m just going to jerk off all night. It’s the same thing.”

“Fine then, you’ll die alone jerking off in your bed.”

“I probably will. You’d love that.”

“I would,” he snaps, and he actually sounds pissed. “I’m leaving if you’re going to keep being stupid.”

“It’s your own fault for starting this. I can’t _not_ get excited if you’re going to stay here.”

Izaya struggles up off his lap. Shizuo thinks he’s bluffing until he slams the door on his way out.

 -

 “What’s the matter with you?”

Good old Namie. She’s so shrewd. Izaya loves working with someone who’s as shrewd as he is, except for when she uses it against him. Like now.

“Nothing.”

She doesn’t pursue it. She’s shrewd, but she’s also a quitter.

“You have a new query,” she tells him, handing him a letter.

He takes it from her, and straightens as he reads it properly. News travels fast. Tanaka's competitors want the details of Shizuo's absence, and they're offering a hefty price for it. Izaya breathes in, about to tell Namie that information is not for sale, then changes his mind, and gives them a false lead instead. It'll serve them right if they're dumb enough to take it. Just for kicks. It's not like he's protecting the brute.

 -

A few months later, when Izaya hoped he’d be over it and he isn’t, he tries to hint to Shinra without sounding like he’s hinting. Only Shinra has known him forever and sees through it right away.

“How did you know?” he asks, frowning.

“Shizuo told me himself,” Izaya snaps, annoyed at being seen through so easily. “So just tell me, would you? I won't do anything."

Shinra shrugs.

“There's not much to tell. He’s out of hospital, it went OK. You’d be better off speaking to Celty.”

Celty hates him however and won’t tell him anything.

-

Namie takes to laughing at him more and more.

“Look at you. You’ve got it _bad_.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Who is it? I can’t think of anyone we know who would pique your interest. It must be someone new.”

This is the most interested he’s seen her in anything that didn’t concern her brother. He’s practically doing her a favour by letting her work for him, and yet she’s always complaining. Or demeaning him.

“And it’s obviously unrequited, because you never go anywhere.”

“Can you shut up, Namie? I’m trying to concentrate.”

“Why, what is that? Are you writing _love letters_?”

“No! It’s just a get well soon card.”

He does end up writing letters though, which he throws in the bin, as it takes him a lot of tries to decide what he actually wants to say. In the end, the card simply says,

_Get well soon, monster. It’s getting a little boring without you._

He almost adds a sarcastic little note that he misses him, but he can’t think of a way of saying it that’s offhanded enough, and besides, the whole card screams _I miss you_. He makes no reference to what happened the last time they saw each other. Perhaps Shizuo will be on a lot of painkillers and consequently forget the whole thing. 

Namie starts packing up for the day. Her hand hovers over the pages he’s filled and scribbled over.

“Are these for the mail?”

His palm slams them back into the table.

“No.”

Her laughter echoes in the hallway on her way out.

 -

Getting the card to Shizuo however is impossible. Both she and Shinra refuse to give him the address. Considering he’s an informant, it’s embarrassing Izaya can’t get hold of the address himself. It must be quite a ways from Ikebukuro. He’s had Masaomi sleuthing for days, and despite what Izaya may say, the boy is far from useless, but between the two of them they come up blank. Izaya has no choice but to keep bothering Celty.

“ _Please_ just take him this, Celty. It’s obviously not a bomb. He knows my hand-writing, so he can throw it away if he wants to, but at least give him the option.”

This finally seems to convince her.

Izaya’s so relieved at the prospect of Shizuo actually receiving it that he doesn’t give any thought to the odds of him opening it, let alone writing back.

 -

Shizuo doesn’t write back. He calls.

Seeing that name on his phone for the first time in months, it hits Izaya that he sucked Shizuo off, that Shizuo’s gone, that he misses him, and it's all suddenly a bit much.

Namie's voice taunts him. _You got it bad._

The phone rings out before he can bring himself to answer, and Shizuo doesn't leave a message.

Namie comes back from the store and sees his face.

“What happened, did they find someone else?”

“No. _They_ just called, actually.”

“Oh? How did it go?”

“It didn’t. I bottled it. I didn’t pick up.”

“Oh, you.” She says. “That’s adorable. Call back.”

“I will,” he says, but he doesn’t move.

“Do it now. I’m going upstairs.”

“I’m going _outside_. I don’t trust you.”

“OK. But you better call him back.”

“It’s a ‘him’ now, is it?”

“Well, _obviously_.”

Stupid Namie.

 -

“Hi Shizuo.”

_This is weird, why am I doing this._

“Hi Izaya-kun.” Shizuo sounds normal, if a little suspicious, and tired. “Thanks for the card. It’s cute.”

The card had cats sitting on a stop-sign. How could Izaya not send him such a card.

“That’s OK. I was going to send you a gift, but I thought you wouldn’t trust me. It went well, then?”

"Yeah. They said they’re amazed at how quickly it’s healing.”

“That’s good.” He hears a little jump in his voice and tries to tone it back down. “So you’ll be back soon?”

“Hell no. I’m still in pain. I’ve only just started physio.”

"Oh," Izaya says again. He struggles to think of something to say. "Shinra says you're out of hospital."

"Yeah. I just go back for appointments.."

“That’s good. I don’t suppose you’ll tell me where you are.”

“Yeah, right, when this is the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. You’re probably taking notes already.”

“I am not.” Izaya says. “I could have killed you last time if I really wanted to.”

He winces inwardly at this: he hadn't meant to bring up Last Time. He tries to change the subject.

“Someone tried to buy information off me. About you.”

“Oh, really.” Shizuo sighs. “I shouldn’t have called you. Are you blackmailing me, Izaya-kun?”

“No,” Izaya snaps. “I’m just letting you know.”

There’s a little pause of disbelief.

“...You are?”

 -

As Shizuo recovers, they somehow get into a habit of speaking on the phone. Izaya supposes Shizuo is bored, if he’s not working and he’s away from Ikebukuro and all his friends. Celty and Kasuka and Tom could only visit so many times. Perhaps he’s in some kind of respite centre in the countryside. He probably feels relatively safe bickering with Izaya without the informant knowing his address, and having the opportunity to hang up if Izaya goes too far. This hasn't happened yet.

If he _really_ wanted to, Izaya could trace the calls, but he doesn’t.

"You sound a lot less dead these days, Shizu-chan," Izaya tells him. "What do they make you do for physio? Put you on a huge hamster wheel?"

"Funny. I did 15lb weights today. So I should be able to throw you again pretty soon."

"Funny."

Shizuo really does sound better. Izaya can't help but wonder if the year long absence had been a bit of an overstatement.

"Aren't you bored? What do you do all day?"

“I sleep a lot, the painkillers make me drowsy, and I keep having to go back to the hospital for appointments, but I’m mostly just relaxing. It’s great. I feel so much better.”

Izaya wonders if feeling better includes jerking off, and quickly brushes the thought away.

“You can come and visit if you want.”

Izaya sits up at this, going red, as if Shizuo might have heard his thoughts.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, maybe you’re building up my trust to do something terrible, but- “

“I’m not,” he blurts. “I’m really not.”

“OK,” Shizuo says. “Come this weekend then. I’ll text you the address.”

 -

“Well?”

“Well what?”

He doesn’t know when it had gone from Namie trying to ignore him to the other way round.

“What are you all excited for? Have you got a date?”

“…I think so.”

She laughs, but it sounds almost good-natured.

“Good for you. Who _is_ it? It’s driving me nuts.”

“It’s Seiji.”

“Very funny.”

“I’m using all the little quirks you told me about him to get him to fall in love with me.”

“Shut up, Izaya.”

“It’s someone out of town,” he says, which is technically true.

“How did you meet?”

“Mutual friend.” Also technically true.

She is already looking back at her screen.

“Sounds boring.”

“It is,” he agrees. He doesn’t want her taking more of an interest.

 -

It’s not a respite centre Shizuo’s in. It’s a house, an old style one with a real fireplace and huge garden.

 “Is this Kasuka’s?” he says, looking around.

“No. It’s our old family vacation home.”

Sure enough, there are family photos all over the living room.

Izaya tries to look indifferent.

“I’m surprised you let me come, then. You must be really bored.”

“Yep.”

He flinches back when Shizuo tries to kiss him. He'd hoped this would be on the cards at some point, but he didn't think Shizuo would be so brazen about it.

“Um…”

Shizuo rolls his eyes.

“Hearts are supposed to get excited now and then, Izaya. It’s fine. I’m not gonna drop dead on top of you.­”

“The doctors said this, did they?”

“More or less.”

“What, you actually asked them? Even if they did, they were probably thinking more of the missionary position once or twice a week, not - “

Shizuo kisses him to shut him up.

“-Mm, ah, OK, just don’t play dead this time.”

Shizuo chuckles.

“I forgot about that. It was funny.”

They end up in bed with the afternoon sun coming in through the curtains. Shizuo pins Izaya’s hands above his head when he keeps trying to slow things down. It’s kind of hot, and also kind of surreal. He feels almost like a kid again, a teenager with a crush, unable to take it in, until Shizuo brings him back to Earth. _  
_

“Why’d you kiss me?”

Izaya blinks up at him. Damn. He should have seen that coming. 

“Does it matter? Why’d you kiss back?”

“Because I liked it.”

“Well, then.”

Shizuo doesn't pursue it. He lets go of Izaya's hands to move down his body.

“Oh, ah, you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.”

Ths surreal feeling comes back.

_Shizuo’s going to suck me off, this is nuts, I hope he doesn’t have a heart attack, this is so nuts, I want him so bad, I think I might-_

“Man, your dick’s huge.”

It’s too much. Izaya starts laughing hysterically. 

“What’s so funny?” Shizuo says.

“I don’t know. Sorry.”

The laughter leaves him as Shizuo takes him in his mouth.

 -

Afterwards, Izaya unbuttons Shizuo’s shirt and sees his scar for the first time. He’s surprised at how deep it is.

Shizuo tells him about it as he strokes his hair.

“They gave me a load of tests the day before. And I couldn’t eat anything, and they gave me pills to help me sleep the night before. It took them 5 five hours. When it was over, I was in so much pain, I thought something must have gone wrong, but I was out in two days. It still hurt, though. I couldn’t lie down for a month.”

Izaya swallows.

"I'm sorry I didn't stay with you that night."

"Huh?" Shizuo says. "Oh. Don't worry about that. It doesn't matter."

“Is it still painful?”

“Now and then. When I cough or sneeze. ”

“Can I touch it?”

“Sure.”

Izaya runs his little finger along the line of stitches. Shizuo breathes in as he does. Izaya glances up at him.

“Does it hurt?”

“No,” he sighs. “Just feels weird.”

Izaya smiles, pleased that it’s come to this so soon.

“You trust me.”

“I’m kind of holding my breath, to be honest with you.”

Izaya keeps smiling and moves up to kiss him.

“You don’t need to.”

He moves back down to the scar before Shizuo can really kiss him back, pressing his lips there instead.

“It tastes weird too.”

“Mm. Medical stuff.”

“Nah,” Izaya says. “It’s your heart. Sugar and spice.”

 -

 “How long are you staying?”

Izaya blinks, surprised he’s been given the option. He’d already been with Shizuo two nights. He frowns every time his phone rings, and he is not looking forward to going back to the city.

“…until you’ve had enough?”

“Stay another night, then.”

 -

Just like the phone calls, his visiting also becomes an easy habit.

Shizuo goes to physiotherapy twice a week, Mondays and Wednesdays. There’s no point in Izaya going on those days because Shizuo doesn’t have it in him to do anything else. Shizuo also has visits from Celty, his brother, Tom, the rest of his family. Izaya used to be jealous of his popularity, and he still is, in a way, but at the same time it is a relief. Shizuo needs all the support he can get. Add bad days to that where he’s too tired and in too much pain to see anyone.

“I’m getting so bored,” he tells Izaya. “It’s better when you’re here, it’s when you’re not. I mean, I love it and it’s really relaxing, but it’s weird not working, not doing anything. Maybe I should get a dog.”

“Or a cat,” Izaya says quickly. He doesn’t like dogs.

“Yeah,” Shizuo says, with considerably less enthusiasm.

“You can’t walk a dog when you’re having a bad day. And you’ll have to go back to work eventually, and a cat can be left alone in an apartment longer than a dog, and it wouldn't need as much space.”

“Oh yeah. That’s true.”

The first time Izaya sees Shizuo on a bad day shakes him up, how he can barely move and breathes like it hurts.

Shizuo actually laughs at him through the pain.

“Look at you all worried.”

“Shut up,” Izaya says. He is worried, though.

“It happens, Izaya-kun,” Shizuo says, drifting off. “They said it would. It’s while everything’s healing. I just need to rest.”

Izaya leans his head against Shizuo's legs once he's asleep, carpet soft against his feet. He was supposed to leave today, cancelled another meeting without really thinking about it. What would he do if something happened, and he had to call Kasuka? What would he say? It's too much hassle. He shouldn't be doing this. He doesn't go home, though.

 -

After Izaya has been going over so often, and for so long, he starts thinking maybe he should make a more practical investment than a season ticket.

Or, he realises, maybe he doesn’t have to. Who does he know who has a perfectly good car just sitting there? He gives his father a call.

 -

“You got a car?” Shizuo says, clearly impressed.

“It’s my Dad’s. He never uses it these days. He's never here.”

“Huh. It’s nice. Maybe you should ask for it if he never uses it.”

“Nah. If I got a car my sisters would want, like, a condo. Or something.”

“How are your sisters?”

“They’re OK. They’re a bit peeved that you haven’t been around. They think I might have done something.”

“You haven’t told them?”

He hasn’t told anyone, not even Namie or Shinra.

Izaya shrugs, keeping his face neutral.

“I didn’t know if you’d want me to.”

“I don’t mind.”

“They might harass you a bit if they get the chance. My sisters, that is. Because of Kasuka.”

“That’s OK.”

Izaya nods.

-

He should never have got the car, though. So it gave him a bit more freedom, and so he and Shizuo could explore the area a little more. He was perfectly fine getting the train. But it's not like he could predict the future.

He’d always been a good driver, always had excellent reflexes, so he never considered for a moment that what happens to everyone could happen to him, that an animal could run out in front of him in the dark, and he jerks the wheel as something squeals and it all goes black.

-

Blue. Something very bright and very blue is flashing. It takes him a moment to figure out that he is upside down, and someone is trying to speak to him.

“Sir, can you hear me?”

The animal he’s hit is still screaming in fear or pain and it makes him want to put his hands over his ears.

“Is it a fox?”

“It’s a dog, sir, and we need to focus on you just now. Can you see me?”

He doesn’t answer her.

“I can’t feel my legs.”

Her reply drifts in and out. The dog goes quiet, and he doesn’t know if it’s sedated or dead. He can hear his phone ringing somewhere next to him.

“Do you want us to answer that? We need to inform a relative or friend.”

He says nothing. He is trying to feel his legs.

“Heiwajima Shizuo,” she reads out. “Is he family?”

“…I think he’s my boyfriend.”

“Would you like us to tell him what happened?”

“Mm, yes. Tell him…” But their faces fade before he can think of what to tell Shizuo.

 -

He can feel his legs when he wakes up. They’re in agony, but he’s just glad he can feel them. He doesn’t realise he’s groaning until someone covers his hand.

“Izaya.”

He opens his eyes.

“I killed a dog.”

“You didn’t,” Shizuo says. “She’s fine. She was just scared.”

He grips Shizuo’s hand, trying to ground himself.

“How do you feel?” Shizuo asks.

“Tired…Can I see a doctor?”

“You saw a doctor this morning, when you came round. You don’t remember?” he says as Izaya stares up at him.

“No," he sighs. "Great. Amnesia.”

“You’re just in shock.” He strokes Izaya's hand. "Do you want me to call anyone for you?"

"No. Yes. Shinra."

"OK." Shizuo kisses his hand. "This is the hospital I was in. It's good. You're gonna be fine."

He feels himself getting drowsy and lets his eyes close, mind drifting while he hangs on to Shizuo's hand, soothed by his words. Then he stiffens. 

“What is it?” Shizuo grips his hand. “Are you in pain? Tell me.”

“No,” he groans. “The car. I fucking totalled my Dad’s car.”

 -

Shinra and Shizuo take care of the car for him, and his Father doesn’t know yet. Izaya’s glad. His Father can be as big an asshole as Shinra’s sometimes.

Celty comes to visit as well. Izaya’s surprised, until he realises she's probably just Shinra's ride.

 _-I hate dogs_ , Celty confides, when they're alone.

“Me too,” Izaya mutters.

_-I'm reading this book on how to get over it. It's very good. Maybe you can borrow it when I'm done._

He’s still groggy when he reads this so he doesn’t think much of it.

He’s in hospital for a little under a week. Shizuo comes every day. He seems to know half the staff.

The other patients stare at Izaya a lot for some reason. Izaya thinks they might be a bit on the homphobic side, but Shizuo has a different theory.

“It’s because you’re the most good looking guy here,” Shizuo tells him, which is weird, but possibly true, as most of them look 60 at best. “It was mostly old people when I was in too. A lot of people retire in this area.”

Izaya says nothing. He stares back at an old man to try and deter him, but the man doesn't look away.

Shizuo squeezes his hand to get his attention

“Looking forward to getting out soon?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” he murmurs. “I was starting to enjoy the attention.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll give you all the attention you need.”

Izaya smiles to himself. 

“The house is really close to this hospital, you know.” Shizuo lets this hang for a moment. “They'll probably let you out sooner if you stay with someone."

Izaya opens his mouth to say Namie practically lives with him, until he realises what Shizuo means.

“Mm. They did say I might have a concussion.”

Izaya smiles to himself, fantasising about lazing around that house with Shizuo, not worrying about anything except the odd email, and nothing to do but buy food and water the plants.

Shizuo hugs him just before he leaves.

“I can’t wait to get you out of here. The dog’s gonna love you.”

Izaya stiffens.

“What?”

“The dog. We can’t find an owner for her. I've taken her to the vet and got all her injections. I was just going to hold on to her until someone comes- “

“So it’s a stray dog? In the house?”

“Well, she didn’t have a collar on, but she’s house-trained. Sort of. The vet says she’s only about one year old. She’s really cute.”

Izaya doesn’t say anything.

“…you don’t like dogs?”

“Well - no. Not really.”

“Oh.” Shizuo­ deflates a little. “Really? She’s such a friendly dog though. And she’s not big at all. I think she’s part collie, and they're really smart. A small collie, collie-shiba mix, maybe. I’ve put posters up everywhere. Someone’s got to claim her soon.” He waits. “Do you want to just try and meet her?”

“Um…” Izaya thinks about it. His heart has begun to beat so fast it makes him feel ill. He can't think of anything worse than a dog. “Maybe I’ll just go back to Shinjuku, Shizuo. I have some stuff to do anyway.”

“No.” Shizuo takes his hand with sudden urgency. “If I have to choose between you and the dog, I can take her to the shelter. They’ve been saying all along I can bring her if anything comes up.”

Izaya looks at their hands. He can somehow see Shizuo with the dog, even though he hasn’t seen it yet, and can imagine how happy it makes him. Shizuo is unquestionably a dog person. He should have seen this coming the minute Shizuo told him the dog was all right. He takes a deep breath.

“Keep the dog, Shizuo. I’ll see how I get on with her.”

Shizuo’s eyes brighten.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

He feels Shizuo softening with happiness as he hugs him again.

Damn it.

 -

 _This is fine_ , Izaya tells himself. He would have appreciated more time to psyche himself up for it, but it’s fine. If he’d had more time, he would have found an excuse to go back to Shinjuku, he knows he would have.

The dog starts barking as soon as they’re out of the cab. It does not sound like a small dog.

“She’s just excited.”

Shizuo tries to tug him forward, but Izaya’s feet root to the ground.

“She’s friendly, Izaya, I promise. She wouldn’t hurt a fly. She’s just young. She’s not much more than a puppy.”

“So she’s still growing?”

“Well…”

“Maybe you should go in first.”

“Fine. Don’t run off.”

His legs still aren’t quite right. He couldn’t run off even if he wanted to.

Shizuo kisses Izaya's hand and leaves him.

Shizuo goes inside and the dog stops barking. He shouts Izaya after a few minutes.

Izaya finds Shizuo on his knees in the hall with his arms around the dog, while she strains to get free. She redoubles her efforts when she sees Izaya, tail wagging madly. She’s not as bad as he feared. She is small, with sleek white and orange-ish glossy fur, fox-like. She doesn’t look like the crazed beast he’d been imagining.

“She’s just excited,” Shizuo says. “She loves people.”

 _Why did it have to be a fucking dog,_ Izaya thinks. _Why why why why why._

He forces himself forward and kneels down, holding out his hand. The dog licks at the air until she’s able to reach him.

“Good dog,” he says.

Shizuo keeps hold of her.

“I can still take her to the shelter,” Shizuo says.

_Yes!!!!_

He meets Shizuo’s eyes over the dog’s head and can't bring himself to say it.

“…Let’s see how it goes. It’s my fault, not hers. She seems like a nice dog.”

“She is. She’s awesome.”

Izaya rolls his eyes while Shizuo buries his face in her fur.

 -

He can't relax until the evening, when Shizuo shuts the dog out of their room. If he'd had to sleep with her in there, Izaya thinks he would have gone back to Shinjuku in the morning, no question. Maybe even in the middle of the night.

Izaya shoots Shizuo an annoyed look. He hasn't had the best first-day-out-of-hospital ever.

“I thought you were the kind of guy who’d let the dog sleep on the bed, Shizu-chan.”

“Nah, she needs to compromise, and you need a break. You’ve put up with a lot.”

“Hm. Thanks.” He leans back when Shizuo tries to kiss him. "I'm still kind of sore. Sorry."

"OK."

He'll leave tomorrow. He'll have Namie call with some excuse and insist on it. 

 -

 “What if nobody claims her?” Izaya says, after it’s been a week. He’s getting better at stroking her now, especially in the evening, when she’s calm. She rests her head on his lap and looks up at him mournfully, as if she can understand.

He's almost used to her. Sort of. Shizuo keeps telling him she likes him, but Izaya wishes she liked him a little less, that she wouldn't follow him around so much or think he was playing when he backed away from her.

“I don’t know,” Shizuo sighs. “I can’t believe no-one has. I’d love her but, I have to go back to work and back to Ikebukuro eventually.”

“There are dogwalkers, they aren’t too expensive,” Izaya says vaguely. “And there’s my secretary.”

“Would she be all right with something like that, though?”

“Oh, yeah,” Izaya says vaguely, although he has no idea what Namie makes of animals. Probably what she makes of humans, which isn’t much. There was always Masaomi.

Shizuo moves to Izaya’s feet to rub the dog's neck, leaning back on Izaya's legs.

“That’s a long way anyway," he muses. "She doesn’t even have a name yet.”

-

Izaya phones Namie when he still can't bring himself to leave, but he thinks he better start doing some work.

“Namie,” he says suddenly, mid-conversation. “Do you like dogs?”

“Dogs?” she says. “Not really. Why?”

He’s relieved it’s not just him. His sisters, Shinra, Kadota, Mikado, Masaomi _all_ love dogs. There’s Celty, but having something in common a headless dullahan and Namie hardly makes him feel more normal.

“Izaya,” Namie says impatiently.

They end up bickering about something completely unrelated, and he almost forgets about the dog.

 -

“I have to start thinking about going back.”

They’re in the park when Shizuo says this, the dog bounding ahead of them. Shizuo’s well enough to make it up and down the hill now on a daily basis. He only sees a nurse once a month now, and he’s talking to Tom a lot more. He doesn’t sound very happy, however.

Izaya glances at him. “Can’t you ask your parents if you can live here? You could get another job.”

“Nah. It’s our holiday home, it’s for holidays, and it’s for all of us. And I wouldn’t want to be _here_ forever…it’s like somewhere you come to retire. Ikebukuro's OK. But I think I should get a new place. I should start looking now, while I have the free time."

 -

The next day, Izaya wakes up restless enough to know he’s better. It's been weeks since the accident. 

The dog clearly isn't going anywhere, and  Izaya can't bring himself to leave, so there was only one thing for it.

He kisses Shizuo awake and eases himself out of his arms.

“I’m going for a run.”

“What?” Shizuo mumbles without lifting his head. “Why the hell would you run if I’m not chasing after you?”

“Because,” Izaya says. “I enjoy it.”

“Take the dog with you.”

“She’s _your_ foster dog, Shizuo. You’re responsible for walking her.”

Shizuo just mumbles something and goes back to sleep.

The dog wags her tail expectantly. She backs him into the wall like she always does, not understanding why he flinches back.

“Fuck. Yep, hi, OK, OK,” he says, as she keeps her paws on him, whining. She eventually backs off and sits there watching him put on his shoes.

He looks at her and looks at her lead.

She starts jumping again when he picks it up.

“Sit.”

She whines at him.

“You make me nervous. You’ll have to work with me here. Sit.”

She sits, staring at the lead hopefully.

 It takes him a minute, but he gets the lead on her and gets her out. He keeps her on the lead until they’re far from the road, and looks in the dog’s eyes.

“Please don’t run off,” he says. “Shizuo’ll kill me.”

She doesn’t run off. She runs ahead and lags behind as she explores, but generally stays at his side. And she doesn’t fight or run off when they circle back, and he takes her lead out. She looks breathless and happy, like him. He ruffles her head.

“Good girl.”

Shizuo’s still in his shorts when they get back, and drops to his knees to hug the dog.

“Oh thank God, I thought she got out.”

“Nope,” Izaya says nonchalantly. He leaves her in Shizuo’s arms and goes to shower.

Shizuo follows him however.

 “You took her out."

“Don’t get excited.”

“But how come?”

“Well…it’s been a month. Don’t you think it’s time you took the posters down and thought of a name for her?”

 -

His sisters come over. They insist, when they hear about the dog, and that their blood is dating one of Kasuka’s.

They stare at Izaya in amazement when they see him with the dog in his lap.

“You hate dogs.”

“I also hate you, yet here we all are.”

“And Shizuo.”

“And Shizuo.”

They keep staring at him until Mairu shakes her head in disbelief.

“It gives us hope, anyway,” Mairu tells Kururi. “If even he can find someone.”

“Were you on the verge of losing it?” Izaya ventures. “You’re only teenagers.”

“Yes, but boys are icky,” Mairu explains.

“We prefer girls these days,” Kururi adds.

“You better get on the adoption register now, then. Our parents are not going to be happy if all three kids are in same-sex relationships.”

 -

Home!

Izaya misses Shizuo, but it's always wonderful to come home to his lovely, dog-free apartment that he’s worked so hard for, in his beautiful city.

He kicks open his door.

“I’m home!” he yells. “What have I missed? It better not be exciting!”

Silence. He fills it on Namie's behalf.

 “ 'Oh, hi Izaya, how are you, welcome home, I've missed you very much. I made you some iced tea, and here are the chocolates and card I was inexplicably unable to send while you were in hospital, after you bravely risked your life to save another being-' "

He stops like a bucket of water’s been thrown over him when he sees her. She stares at her computer screen as tears run down her cheeks, as if she hasn’t moved from that position for days. His own throat tightens.

“What’s wrong?”

She breathes in shakily, and he sees himself helping her pick out Seiji’s coffin, or taking her to a family planning clinic.

“It’s Seiji,” she says unnecessarily. “He’s leaving. He and that fucking bitch are moving to Hong Kong, and they’re not coming back.”

_Oh._

“…Can I do anything?”

She snaps up her head and stares at him almost hysterically. “Like what? What can you possibly do?”

He thinks for a minute.

“…Kill them?”

She starts snorting with laughter.

“God,” she says. “I’ll tell you what you can do. You can get me a drink, right now.”

They take wine over to the sofa. She lies on her back with her legs over the arm, sighing dramatically.

“Who are you seeing?” she drawls. She calms more quickly than he expected. She’s made of tough stuff. “Come on, it’s been months now. The gossip will cheer me up.”

“It’s Shizuo,” Izaya admits.

She sits up suddenly enough to almost give herself whiplash.

“Are you _serious?”_

 _“_ Yes, I’m _serious_ ,” he mimics, and he tells her everything.

“My God,” she says. She slowly lies back down. “That’s incredible. That’s where you’ve been all this time. Do you bottom?”

“I knew you were going to ask that. Why do you think I bottom, just because he’s taller?”

“I just think you’d like it.”

“He likes it too. We alternate, if you must know.”

“Do you think you’ll adopt kids?”

“Of course not. We both have histories of violence, property damage and unstable careers  - who in the world would let us have kids? What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

She is staring at him.

“I was joking, but you’ve actually _thought_ about it.”

“I haven’t. I haven’t.”

She keeps looking at him.

“I haven’t! I just – it hasn’t come up, but, he seems like the type of guy who'd want kids, so obviously I…” he trails off miserably.

She shrugs.

“Depends how much he wants you, I guess.”

“…yeah,” he says, feeling the words knife away at his heart. He decides to cut down on the Seiji jokes, if this is how it feels.

“So what now?” she says, sounding almost bored. “You have an apartment in the city, and you’re working here every day. Are you really going to give that up for a boring neighbourhood in the country and a dog?”

"He won't be out there forever," Izaya says. He is starting to feel the wine. “Did you think I’d rather live out my life alone up here?”

“Oh, come on. You know that’s not what I meant.”

He doesn't want to think about practicalities. He didn't even want to want Shizuo in the first place, he'd been trying not to for most of his life.

Shizuo calls just after her cab leaves.

"Shizu-chan!" Izaya says, still feeling the wine. "How are you feeling?"

“OK, I guess. How’s the city?”

“ _Good_. I got wrecked with my secretary and we had a heart to heart.”

“Oh.” Shizuo sounds a little uneasy at this. “Uh, have you and your secretary ever…?”

“Me and _Namie_?” He starts chortling. “No! Why, were you worried, Shizu-chan?”

“I was just asking,” he says defensively. “You see her practically every day.”

"I miss you too, Shizu-chan."

-

Izaya calls Shiki the next day, as planned. His hangover has thankfully waned a little.

"You've been working remotely a lot," Shiki says politely.

"...is that OK?"

"Of course. So long as you get me what I need, I couldn't care less how you go about it. I just wondered if everything was all right. I heard you had an accident."

"Ah, yes, but I'm fine now. I would like to keep working remotely, but it's nothing to do with my health."

“Is it a woman?” The older man asks with interest.

“Not quite.”

“A child, then?” he says, undeterred. “If you’ve got some woman pregnant and- “

“No!” Izaya says, exasperated. “It’s not a woman or a child. It’s a man and a dog, if you must know.”

He throws a cushion at Namie, who is laughing at him.

-

“Izayaaaa!” Akane jumps on him.

“Hi.”

Izaya hugs her back uneasily in the middle of the street, after getting over his mini heart-attack. Akane is one of the few people he still get twinges of guilt over.

“Is Shizuo still your best friend?” she asks, oblivious. 

“Yep,” He swallows. “I saw him the other day, actually. He has a dog now.”

She gasps with delight.

He’ll have to take her to visit.

 -

He starts packing when he gets home. He's got his things, he's visited practically everyone he knows and then some, and now he just wants to get out of here. Someone knocks on the door when he's midflow, making him scowl. When did everyone in Ikebukuro become so needy?

He opens the door with a long suffering expression, only to find Shizuo waiting for him.

“Hi!” Izaya hugs him, hard. “What are you doing here, have you missed me?”

“You know I have, you said it’d only be a couple of days."

"Everyone was being annoying. Where's the dog?"

"Kasuka's staying the night."

He half-wrestles Izaya back into the house as he talks, making him laugh.

“Get off me, you brute.”

“You know, I’ve kind of missed you calling me names. It's fun.”

He moves Izaya’s arms to one hand so he can undo his pants.

-

He has to push Shizuo off a little later, when he realises he's going to be late.

“I have a meeting to go to. Do I look like I just had sex?”

“Yes.”

“Damn.” He attempts to smooth his hair down. Then he looks from Shizuo out into the city, with a rare feeling of content. “This was fun, Shizu-chan. I'm looking forward to you coming home, dog and all."

"Me too."

 -

The dog starts barking when they approach the house, like she always does.

“Hey, girl.” Shizuo bends down to cuddle her. “I know, we’ve missed you too. But you’d hate the city.”

“Yes, it was very dull. We just saw someone from the Yakuza and had sex.”

She starts barking at him.

“I think she knows the word sex,” Izaya says, massaging her side. “Though I suppose she would, living with us. What?”

Shizuo is staring at him.

“You didn’t flinch when she barked.”

“She’s always bloody barking. I could probably sleep through it, I’m so used to it now.”

Shizuo doesn't laugh.

"I love you."

Izaya stiffens as he realises what he said.

“I mean – sorry, I didn’t – “

“Don’t say sorry.”

“You don’t have to say anything- “

“I do, though.” Izaya grips his hand urgently, too choked up to say more. “I do.”

-

He gets his Father’s car back, and takes the dog out for a drive while Shizuo's at the hospital. She sticks her head out of the window, deliriously happy.

“This thing almost killed you, you know,” he tells her. “And me.”

She takes no notice. Neither of them are afraid of things that almost killed them.

He only turns round when he realises how close they are to the city. The dog starts whining, and he realises she probably needs to go. 

That’s when he sees it, the house. There’s no point in even looking, it has a _For Sale_ out front, but still, he can’t help himself. He stares so long, he doesn’t even notice the woman staring at him from outside her car, until the dog lurches forward on his behalf to make friends.

“Sorry,” he says.  “I was just…”

“That’s OK. Are you looking?”

“Um, well, to rent, actually, not buy.”

“Oh. Never mind then.”

They talk about the dog instead. She looks at him when she’s about to go inside.

“Come in for a look anyway if you want,” she says. “You can leave the dog in the yard. You might just be tempted.”

-

Shizuo’s on board. Izaya knew he would be. But he doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do. He doesn't want to be like those idiots who get married after a few weeks dating, when it all goes horribly, inevitably wrong. Even if he and Shizuo had known each other for years, had been seeing each other for ten months, made it through serious health problems, shared a pet, practically lived together now...

 _Don't get carried away_ , he tells himself. He tells Shizuo the same thing when he gives him this woman's number.

He goes to lie on the rug while Shizuo talks on the phone, feet up on the couch.

The dog follows him.

“Shizuo’s talking to that lady about her house,” he tells her idly. 

She tilts her head with interest.

“We might buy it, because you’re too big and jumpy for an apartment. And because a house would be nice for him. For both of us.”

The dog licks his hand.

“Buying a house with someone is kind of a big deal, though. Bigger than just moving in. You’re meant to date someone for a good few years first, and get approval from each other's parents, if you want to do it properly, and all this other stuff. I don't know if we're there yet.”

He’s still talking to her when Shizuo comes back, phone in hand, looking bemused.

“Who are you talking to?”

“The dog.” He looks up at Shizuo from the floor. “Well?”

-

They go for tea the next day.

“Money's not an issue,” he tells Amari, the owner, in private, while Shizuo is looking around the house. He’s decided he likes her a lot. “But it might be a bit soon.. We’ve known each other since school, but we didn’t get on very well. It's only been the past year that we, you know.”

“Oh.” She says. She seens surprised. "You’re young, but you seem so close.”

He doesn't say anything.

“Perhaps the universe is trying to tell you something.”

 _Perhaps_ , he thinks. Only he can’t blame the universe if it all goes horribly wrong.

"Think about it," she says. "I go with my gut on these things. I'll give you guys first refusal if you decide to put an offer down."

-

“OK,” he says to Shizuo that night. “You know what, it’s my money so I’m making a business decision; I’m buying that house. And if you want to live in it with me, great, but if you want to do something stupid like go back to your apartment and live there, that’s fine too. I suggest the dog live in the house though, for obvious reasons.”

Shizuo is staring at him.

“You didn’t even want the dog.”

“I know. I hated the bloody dog, but now I love her and I couldn’t let her go if you paid me, so there we are. So let’s just do it. It’s not like a jail sentence, we can work something out if it goes wrong. If it works out, it works out. If we split up, we spli- “

Shizuo kisses him. He keeps on kissing him until he can’t breathe, and he can’t think.

“We won’t split up,” Shizuo tells him.

“No,” he breathes. “I know.”


End file.
